How to Ask for What You Need (Especially During the Holiday Season)
For couples who want less conflict and more connection
Every December, we get bombarded with some version of the same question: “What do you want?”
Gift lists. Party invites. Family expectations.
Even our inboxes ask us what we want.
And for many people—especially those healing from high-conflict patterns—being asked what you want can feel surprisingly stressful.
Not because you’re ungrateful, but because naming your needs is vulnerable.
And receiving a “no” sometimes feels even more vulnerable.
This is why the holidays can be such a powerful time to practice the skill of asking clearly and kindly. In couples work, one of the most transformational tools is learning the difference between invitations, requests, and demands.
This simple framework gives you clarity in a season that often feels chaotic and emotionally loaded.
1. Invitations: Low-Stakes Asking (Holiday Edition)
An invitation is a gentle ask with no pressure, no consequences, and no emotional landmines.
If the answer is no, connection doesn’t break.
During the holidays, invitations sound like:
“Want to wrap presents together?”
“Want to drive around and look at lights?”
“Would you like to come to my office holiday party with me?”
If your partner says no, that’s okay.
Invitations are about offering connection, not requiring it.
Why this matters right now:
December is full of opportunities for small shared moments.
Keeping these low-stakes allows both partners to relax, rather than bracing for disappointment or pressure.
2. Requests: Medium Stakes & Relationally Important
A request carries more weight.
It matters to you.
And if your partner denies it, that’s a big deal—not because they must say yes, but because the need behind it is meaningful.
Holiday-season requests often sound like:
“Can we split the Christmas shopping this year? I’m overwhelmed.”
“Could you help me with the kids’ gifts this weekend?”
“Can we talk about how we’re handling extended family plans?”
A partner can say no—but a relational no has three parts:
Say no clearly
Say why (kindly, without defensiveness)
Offer an alternative
Example:
“I can’t talk about the schedule right now—I’m too stressed. But I can sit down with you after dinner.”
This keeps both dignity and connection intact.
Why this matters right now:
The holidays are loaded with expectations, emotional history, and invisible labor.
Requests help couples navigate the season as a team—not as adversaries.
3. Demands: High Stakes & Core Needs That Don’t Bend
A demand is not controlling.
It names a bottom-line need that is non-negotiable for your well-being or for the health of the relationship.
Holiday-season demands might sound like:
“I’m not willing to be yelled at in front of your family.”
“I can’t host Christmas Eve this year. My stress level is too high.”
“I need sobriety at family gatherings if we’re attending together.”
Demands matter because the stakes are high.
Ignoring them creates harm or resentment.
Why this matters right now:
The holidays often amplify stress, trauma triggers, and old family dynamics.
Naming your non-negotiables protects the relationship, not threatens it.
Why the Holidays Are the Perfect Time to Practice This Framework
This season forces us to answer questions like:
“What do you want?”
“Can we do it this way?”
“Will you show up?”
When you don’t know whether something is an invitation, request, or demand, everything gets messy:
Small asks feel like pressure
Big needs get hidden or minimized
“No” feels personal
Partners misread each other
Conflict becomes the default
But when you name the type of ask upfront, clarity comes quickly.
Try:
“This is just an invitation—no pressure.”
“This is a real request. It matters to me.”
“This is a demand—this part is non-negotiable for me.”
Suddenly the holiday chaos feels more manageable because the communication is clean.
If you struggle to say what you need… you’re not alone.
Many of the high-conflict couples I work with grew up in families where needs weren’t safe, weren’t allowed, or weren’t met.
So when December arrives with its flood of decisions, expectations, and emotional triggers, the pressure ramps up.
But speaking up for what you need isn’t selfish.
It’s relational.
It’s adult.
And it’s deeply healing.
Use this season—not as a test—but as a practice field.
Start small.
Name the type of ask.
Let clarity soften the edges.
Let connection grow from honesty.
And if you and your partner want support navigating this season without slipping back into old patterns, I’d be honored to help.