The Red Flag of Urgency: When Everything Feels Like an Emergency
A friend texted me in May asking if she could borrow my clothing steamer.
Now, to understand this story properly, you need context.
She has five kids. I have four. We were both finishing graduate school. It was May — which, if you know, you know. Two of our daughters were graduating, and she also had an eighth grader graduating. There were dresses and cords and ceremonies and photos and schedules and emotions and approximately 47 things that all felt very important.
So when she texted:
“Do you happen to have a steamer I could borrow?”
I immediately shifted into emergency-response mode.
“YES,” I texted back. “I’m not home right now, but you can get in through the bathroom window. The steamer is in my closet under a hoodie. You’ll have to dig around a little, but just climb in and get it.”
And then she replied:
“Sarah… it’s not urgent.”
Wait…What? I did not know that was an option.
Who has ever needed a clothing steamer in May and not considered it urgent?
Apparently… healthy people.
That moment has stayed with me because it exposed something I see often in myself, in motherhood, and honestly, in many of the clients I work with:
We confuse urgency with importance.
And often, when everything feels urgent, we are no longer operating from our wise adult selves.
Urgency Changes the State of the Body
Urgency has a physical feeling.
Your chest tightens.
Your thoughts speed up.
Your attention narrows.
Your body prepares for action.
Sometimes that response is appropriate. Real emergencies exist.
But many of us live as though emotional discomfort itself is an emergency.
A delayed text.
A hard conversation.
A disappointed child.
An unfinished to-do list.
A partner being upset.
A social interaction that felt awkward.
Wrinkled graduation dresses.
When urgency takes over, we stop relating thoughtfully and start reacting reflexively.
We become efficient perhaps — but not necessarily wise.
The Nervous System Loves False Emergencies
Many high-capacity people are rewarded for urgency.
We become the reliable ones.
The fixers.
The responders.
The emotionally vigilant ones.
Urgency can even feel virtuous.
But over time, living in constant internal urgency disconnects us from presence, intuition, playfulness, and discernment.
We stop asking:
What actually matters here?
What can wait?
What belongs to me?
What would happen if I slowed down?
The wise adult self can prioritize.
The activated self treats everything like a fire.
Sometimes the Most Regulated Person in the Room Says:
“It’s not urgent.”
I still laugh thinking about my friend calmly reminding me that no window climbing was necessary.
But honestly? That tiny interaction felt oddly profound.
Because urgency had completely hijacked my perspective.
And maybe healing sometimes looks less like becoming more productive, and more like relearning proportion.
Not every feeling requires immediate action.
Not every problem requires a rescue mission.
Not every wrinkle needs a tactical extraction plan through a bathroom window.
Sometimes we can simply respond:
“Sure. Come by later.”
Slowing Down Is Not the Same as Neglecting
Many people fear that if they stop operating from urgency, everything will fall apart.
But groundedness is not irresponsibility.
Wise adults still care deeply.
They still show up.
They still get things done.
They’re just less likely to confuse adrenaline with love.
Maybe This Week…
Before you climb metaphorically through a bathroom window trying to solve something immediately, pause and ask yourself:
Is this actually urgent?
Or am I just activated?
You do not have to earn your goodness through constant urgency.
You do not have to treat every discomfort like a five-alarm fire.
And you probably do not need to launch a covert steamer retrieval operation.
This week, experiment with slowing down just enough to notice the difference between urgency and importance.
See what happens when you answer one email later.
Let one text sit for a minute.
Take one full breath before fixing, rescuing, explaining, or reacting.
Your wise adult may have something to say once the alarm bells quiet down.
If you’re someone who lives in constant urgency, conflict, or emotional hyper-responsibility, therapy can help you reconnect with your body, boundaries, and wise adult self.