How to Set Boundaries After a Toxic Relationship (Without Losing Yourself - Part 2)
Why saying no feels terrifying—and how to do it anyway, with love and power
Struggling to set boundaries after a toxic relationship—or with people who drained your energy? Learn why your nervous system resists “no,” and how to reclaim your voice with love and power.
Boundaries aren’t supposed to feel this scary… right?
If the word "boundaries" makes your stomach twist or your chest tighten—you’re not alone.
If you feel guilty after saying no…
If you rehearse what you should have said for three hours…
If you find yourself explaining, softening, or backing down to keep the peace…
That’s not weakness.
That’s your nervous system doing its best to protect you.
Especially if you’re healing from a toxic relationship—whether with a partner, parent, boss, church, or leader—you may have been conditioned to believe your needs were a threat.
That speaking up was selfish.
That keeping the peace was your job.
A story from my own healing
I grew up calling it supper (Southern roots run deep), and for a long time, I wouldn’t start eating mine until my husband got home—even if I had just cooked it and was hungry. He’s not a bad guy. This wasn’t about him expecting that. In fact, he would’ve told me to eat.
But the culture I grew up in—the one that trained women to anticipate men, to accommodate, to wait—had quietly shaped me.
It taught me to center his rhythm over mine, even when no one asked me to.
Eventually, I started eating when the food was hot. When I was ready. When the kids needed to eat. When we were hungry.
And oh—deep relief.
Not rebellion. Not distance. Just… presence. My nervous system let out a long exhale.
At first, guilt crept in. A younger part of me whispered, “Is this selfish? Should I have waited?”
But the part of me learning to lead said, “You matter too.”
That’s what boundaries can look like. Not a dramatic confrontation.
Just a quiet, nourishing moment where you choose yourself without apology.
Your body isn’t resisting boundaries—it’s remembering something
In both Sensorimotor Psychotherapy and Relational Life Therapy, we don’t bulldoze our way into setting boundaries. We get curious about the why behind the freeze.
We ask:
What part of me is scared to say no?
What does that part believe will happen if I do?
What kind of support does that younger version of me need now?
You’re not failing at boundaries.
You’re carrying old wiring that says connection requires compliance.
We’re here to rewire it.
🗣 Try this: A boundary script you can borrow
When you’re just beginning to set boundaries, your voice might shake. You may feel 7 years old again. That’s normal.
You can borrow my words until you find your own.
Try:
“I care about you, and I also need to take care of myself. Right now, that means I’m going to take some space. I’ll check back in when I’ve had time to reset.”
Or:
“This doesn’t work for me—and I want to find something that works for both of us.”
Boundary scripts aren’t fake. They’re scaffolding.
They hold you up while your nervous system builds new strength.
Boundaries aren’t disconnection—they’re reconnection with yourself
You are allowed to take up space.
You are allowed to disappoint people.
You are allowed to say, “this doesn’t work for me,” even if no one claps for it.
And if someone treats your boundaries as betrayal…
they may have been benefitting from your silence.
In therapy, we create space for the younger parts of you who still fear conflict, rejection, or being “too much.”
We help them feel held by the version of you who is learning how to lead—with truth, care, and grounded power.
Coming up next…
In Part 3, we’ll explore what it means to be relationally empowered—even when you’re single. Power isn’t about control. It’s about presence. And yes, it’s possible to heal into that.
Ready to start healing your nervous system around boundaries?
Work with me
I help women heal nervous system patterns shaped by toxic relationships—and learn to embody boundaries, safety, and connection that feel strong and soft.
👉 Learn more about working with me here
If you’re tired of feeling like your choices don’t belong to you—or that “no” always comes with a cost—this work is for you.