Reclaiming What Was Always Mine: Talking to Our Kids About Sex when we never learned how
Growing up in church, I didn’t hear anything about my own sexuality—at least not as something that belonged to me.
What I learned was that sex was something to be saved, that desire was something to be feared, and that my body’s sexuality would someday belong to my husband. My sexuality wasn’t something to explore or understand; it was something to guard, give away, or control.
For years, that shaped how I saw myself—not as a whole, embodied woman, but as someone who would one day be “chosen.” It took time, healing, and a lot of unlearning to realize how damaging that was—how deeply it disconnected me from my body, my desire, and my sense of self.
This kind of disconnection is one of the lasting impacts of purity culture and religious trauma. It affects not only how we see ourselves, but also how we relate to our partners—and even how we talk to our children about their bodies and boundaries.
How Purity Culture Shapes Our Relationships
Many couples I work with come to therapy because they’re struggling with intimacy after purity culture. One partner may feel shut down or ashamed of desire, while the other feels rejected or confused. These patterns don’t come from nowhere—they come from the messages we received about what was “holy” or “acceptable.”
When your sexuality was never honored as your own, it’s hard to share it freely with someone else. Healing from religious trauma and purity culture often means learning to see sexuality as sacred, human, and yours.
Why This Matters for Parents Today
When our own sexuality was never honored, it can feel confusing or even threatening to talk to our kids about theirs. But silence teaches something too.
Many of us were told that sexuality didn’t apply to us until marriage—that it was something you “earned” through commitment. But research shows that accurate, age-appropriate, and available sexual information leads to better outcomes, not worse.
Recent studies show that when young people receive comprehensive sex education, they make healthier and safer choices:
A 2023 meta-analysis found that comprehensive sexuality education programs significantly improved young people’s knowledge, attitudes, and sense of self-worth around sexuality (Lee et al., Healthcare, 2023).
A global review found that “almost all interventions were effective in reducing risky sexual behaviors” when sex education was accurate and evidence-based (Yildiz & Gungor, Int. J. Environ. Res. Public Health, 2023).
Family studies show that when parents keep conversations open and curious (rather than rigid or shame-based), teens develop stronger sexual self-efficacy and boundaries (Holman & Koenig Kellas, J. Fam. Commun., 2022).
And a 2025 meta-analysis found that parent-based sexual health education improved both how often parents and teens talk about sex and parents’ confidence in doing so (Kim et al., Front. Psychol., 2025).
In other words: giving our kids real, accurate information doesn’t make them more likely to have sex—it helps them make wiser, safer choices when they do.
Healing the Disconnection
Recovering from purity culture means reclaiming what was always ours—the right to know our bodies, to experience desire without shame, and to hold sexuality as something sacred, not sinful.
When couples begin this healing together, they often discover a new kind of connection—one rooted in honesty, safety, and mutual respect rather than fear or performance. Through somatic therapy and relational work, we can learn to inhabit our bodies again, express desire without shame, and communicate about sex with curiosity and care.
This personal work ripples outward. As we heal our relationship to our own sexuality, we become more grounded, open, and safe for our children.
It’s not about having the perfect words. It’s about reclaiming our aliveness so that our kids can grow up seeing sexuality as something whole and good—not something hidden or forbidden.
An Invitation to Heal Together
If you’re noticing how purity culture or religious trauma still affects your body, your marriage, or your parenting, you’re not alone. My upcoming group for healing from purity culture offers a space to explore these messages in community, loosen their grip, and reconnect with the wisdom of your body.
Together, we’ll explore what it means to stand in our sexuality as our own—so we can model wholeness and compassion for the next generation.
Because when we reclaim our sexuality as ours, we don’t just heal ourselves.
We change what’s possible for our relationships, our children, and the culture we pass on.
Want to learn more? Follow this link to sign up.