Soft Power in Relationships: Why it’s Hard and Why it Works
In a world where power is often loud and forceful, the quieter forms of power can be easy to overlook - especially in our relationships. We might picture power as "winning" arguments or calling the shots, but true relational power - the kind that fosters intimacy and trust - looks very different. And within that, soft power is perhaps the most transformative force of all.
What Is Soft Power?
Soft power is the ability to influence without coercion. In relationships, it shows up as warmth, patience, and the ability to hold space for another person’s reality while staying grounded in your own. It’s not about shrinking or overpowering - it’s the sweet spot where you can stand your ground while staying open-hearted.
I know this because I’m learning it the hard way. I grew up in the church, where I was taught to "submit" to my husband. That message never sat well with me, and when I finally broke free from it, I swung hard in the other direction. As Terry Real says, we live in a culture of individual empowerment, where the motto is often, "I was weak- now I’m strong - go screw yourself." And for a while, I found myself in that camp. But I realized that stance was leaving me disconnected from my partner. Soft power - and relational empowerment - was the alternative, and it works.
What Soft Power Isn't
Soft power is not being a doormat. If you find yourself nodding along while your insides scream, "This is a terrible idea," you’ve crossed from soft power into "I’m auditioning to be a human rug."
It’s also not being a bulldozer. If standing up for yourself means steamrolling your partner’s feelings like a runaway truck, that’s just plain force - and force usually leaves both people feeling bruised. Soft power is the art of being firm without being mean, clear without being cold, and open without turning into a people-pleasing puddle.
Too Soft vs. Too Powerful
Too Soft: You stay quiet to keep the peace, agree to things that don’t sit right, or bend yourself into a pretzel to avoid conflict. (That pretzel shape? Not sustainable.) You may feel your body shrinking or collapsing.
Too Powerful: You always have to be "right," you talk more than you listen, and disagreements feel like a cage match where only one person leaves emotionally intact. You may notice your body leaning forward and the inability to shut your mouth.
Soft Power: You speak your truth with kindness, stay curious about your partner’s experience, and hold boundaries while keeping the door open to connection. It’s the difference between saying, "I hear you, but I’m not available for that," versus, "Wow, that’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard." You feel your open heart inside your strong center.
Why We Need More Models of Soft Power
Just last week, the President’s treatment of President Zelensky in the Oval Office was a glaring example of how easy it is to equate power with dominance. The cold, dismissive tone and refusal to engage with basic respect sent a clear message: power means control, not connection. But in our personal relationships, that kind of force may get compliance - but at the price of trust and intimacy. True relational power, on the other hand, creates connection - and connection is far more powerful and enduring than any act of domination.
What if we approached our partners differently? Imagine facing a disagreement not with a need to "win," but with a willingness to hold your ground while staying open to their perspective. Soft power allows us to go toe-to-toe with our loved ones - to overpower them, but to meet them as equals. That’s where real intimacy is built.
The Price - and Power - of Soft Power
The price of soft power is self-respect. It doesn't mean you always get your way, but you do act with dignity and build skills for better relationships now and in the future. And when you practice soft power, you’re not just changing your current relationship—you’re modeling something different for your children, your community, and your partner. Your partner may not be able to tolerate it, and that is difficult to swallow, but good information. It takes time and skill to master, but the reward is relationships built on mutual respect and lasting connection.
Practicing Soft Power in Your Relationships
Soft power is something you can cultivate. Therapy can help. Here are a few ways to begin:
Stay grounded in your truth. Soft power means knowing your needs and expressing them without hostility. Think strong, soft body. Few words.
Listen with curiosity. When tensions rise, pause and ask: What might be going on for the other person? Speak up if you need a break to process, a different tone, or less words. Stay curious.
Hold your boundary and your warmth. You can say no with kindness. You can disagree while remaining connected.
Stay in the conversation. It takes strength to remain present when things get uncomfortable. Soft power holds steady without shutting down or lashing out. Take breaks. Come back.
In a culture that glorifies being tough and unyielding, soft power is a quiet revolution. It allows us to hold ourselves with dignity while making room for the humanity of others—and in our most important relationships, that’s the kind of power that changes everything.
Want help learning to do this by yourself or with your partner? This skill has the power to change your future for the better. I’d love to support you. Let’s learn a new way.